January 23, 2018
Have you ever stayed up late at night and desperately needed sleep but just couldn’t? I think we all have. Have you ever been so depressed that it felt like the greatest gift would be to just sleep until you were dead? I have. Here’s my thoughts now as opposed to then. Depression had strangled me for years, but I’m now working my way out of that and toward a life with far less fluctuation.
The depressed mind is a wicked one. In my clarity today, I can see that there was a flaw in my thinking. I thought that the greatest gift of all would be the ability to somehow sleep through my life and just wait for the end. In this thinking I would be able to spare the hurt and shame from my family for them having a cousin/son/friend that committed suicide, and just have a fast forward button on my life until the end and I would be spit out of this VCR we call life. I’m one of the lucky ones though. Even in the heat of my depression, I was able to think of the people that love me. I hope next time you feel this way, you can think the same way before you do anything extreme.
That paragraph before just showed how I was thinking in my depression. Now, when I feel okay as I do today, I have a completely different view. This is that LIFE IS THE GIFT. I know it sounds so cliché, but it’s true. Everyday between my depressive episodes is such a beautiful thing. It makes me think about it like this:
If I ended it all what I first got depressed in high school I wouldn’t have:
- Met my girlfriend who I think is truly the love of my life
- Graduated college
- Met my bosses from the bakery who taught me countless life lessons
- Started this blog that I hope is helping people like me
- And had any of those days where you lay in bed at the end of the day and think, “holy shit today was awesome!”
These are just a few examples that show the things that I would have missed if I were gone. When I think of it, these are all things that I enjoyed post-suicidal thinking. When you’re suicidal, all you can think about is how bad things are, and that there is no way things will get better. This short list above shows exactly the opposite. When I thought there was no way that things would get better…guess what…they did. When I thought I had nothing to live for…I did. When I genuinely thought that I was worthless and a total piece of shit, I proved after that day that I’m not.
I’m no angel and I’m certainly not perfect but what I’m trying to portray is when you feel like there’s nothing to live for, you’re not looking at potential. The potential that tomorrow brings. When I say this I mean that tomorrow is completely undetermined. When you think that you should end it all, just remember that you can’t see the brightness that the future holds. It is there, you will find it. The only way you won’t is if you blind yourself.
For more awesome writing and someone else to relate to, just check out this blog. It has some intense detail and if you really want to know that you’re not alone, here’s another great source.